mindoodles

CLICHE.

2012-01-16T05:19:00.000-08:00

I can never maintain a blogsite. Ever, I think. I keep trying to but I end up not having anything to write about. Which is really sad because it simply means that there isn't anything worth writing about. Or maybe, I'm just overlooking them.

Let me just try and write about the things that's been keeping my mind occupied lately. Let's see...

# 1 Everything MAKEUP.
Makeup tools. Makeup books. Makeup videos online. Makeup school. Makeup. Makeup. Makeup. Lately, it's all I ever think about! As in it literally consumes my thoughts whenever I have some quiet time to think. I'm not sure how and when all this interest started but I'm so happy I entertained the idea. My family and closest friends would definitely describe me as someone who's "maarte"--and I know I am! I'm not ashamed of it because I know I'm not the annoying type. It's just who and how I am. Being the maarte person that I am, I guess it's not surprising how I came to have this much interest in makeup artistry. I've recently started building up my tools and so now I have a modest number of brushes, eyeshadows, blushes, foundation and other stuff--just some basics that I can practice with. I've also attended one makeup workshop courtesy of my good friend and kumare, Mic. Also, I've been watching a lot of videos that I get so many useful tips from and just yesterday, I bought myself a book--the Bobbi Brown Makeup Manual and I absolutely love it! I've also been thinking of enrolling myself in makeup school (Yes, I'm THAT serious.) but since it's a bit expensive, I have to save up for it first and hopefully, with fingers crossed, I will be able to study the art.

# 2 My career path.
Oh, it's no secret that I've been thinking about quitting my current job and moving on to a job that will enable me to really practice my skills and hopefully, build on a career that I truly want. The problem though is that I can't seem to figure out what it is I want to do. And it's really, really getting me down. It's so hard to be in this place... to be doing something simply because I don't have any other choice for now and to want to change what it is that's making me unhappy but I can't seem to make myself take that first step because I don't know where to plant that first step. Di'ba ang hirap? I'm so envious of people who know exactly what it is that they want to do. Dahil ba ang dami kong gustong gawin sa buhay ko kaya hindi ko maisip kung alin dun yung talagang gusto ko? O talaga lang na hindi ko pa lubos na kilala ang sarili ko para malaman kung ano yung passion ko? Hay! It's so hard. I am so scared to try and apply for other jobs kasi ayokong mapa-subo lang ulit--I don't want to settle for something just because it's what's available. AS in if you ask me now what I want, I'd just give you a blank stare. I'm that lost. And I need help so badly.

# 3 Hosting gigs.
I am an amateur host but I really love it when I do get to host an event! The last time I had a hosting gig, I had so much fun that I forgot I was getting paid for it that when I was finally paid, I was so ecstatic that I realized it's something I could do for free. As in! There is so much I need to learn and improve about myself when it comes to this and I'm all too willing to expose myself to new experiences if only to hone the talent that I'm given. I am hoping to get one gig this February for a wedding--sana it will push through. And I'm praying for more opportunities like that.. malay natin, andun pala ang future ko, who knows?

For now, I think that's about it. I guess I am in this stage in my life when I'm trying to discover who I really am. Simply put, I am going through a quarter life crisis. And it's so challenging. But like I always say, there are no shortcuts. I'd like to end this on a positive note so let me just remind myself that, like everything else, this too shall pass.

And tomorrow is another day.

BECAUSE WE TURNED 5.

2011-09-15T03:07:00.000-07:00

Happy 5th Anniversary, my superstar.

For you, a guitar...

so you can fill our home with beautiful music again.

I love you endlessly.

TURNING 25.

2011-09-06T23:08:00.000-07:00

I've been asked so many times lately what I want to do or simply what I want for my birthday. This time last year, my wish list was already up and posted here but now I can't seem to think of literally ANYTHING that I really wish for on my birthday. Does this mean I've outgrown wish lists? (Nooooo!) Or does this simply mean I've grown? That feels a little sad. It's sad how some things change when we get to a certain age. I refuse to believe that just because people age means that they have to let go of some of the things they used to do when they were younger. I guess it's just up to us to keep the child in us alive in some ways.

And to stay true to that statement and for the sake of tradition as well, here's my very well thought of wish list for my 25th:

Breakfast Buffet

I ABSOLUTELY love buffet breakfast! There's just something about it that I find very appetizing compared with buffet lunch or dinner. Alex and I (and maybe Apple, too) are already planning on going to Vivere on the morning of my birthday for this. Yay to that!

Lots and lots and lots of make up and make up tools!

Because someday, I will be a professional make-up artist :)

Make up box

For all the make up I'll receive. Haha!

FitFlops

Calling my sister's attention! This is exactly the style I want. Hehe :)

Hair Treatment

No, I don't want to meet her nor do I want to look like her. I want my hair to look like hers after a treatment. Suntok sa buwan yan but what the hell. She's P'nam from the movie "A Crazy Little Thing Called Love", by the way.

A day of pampering

Manicure-pedicure-massage-facial all in one day! This will probably be my birthday gift for myself :)

Denim cut-offs

I want something exactly like this.

Tinkerbell Pen with laser light

Because I lost mine just recently :( I bought it at the Japan Store in Festival Mall, I hope they still have it.

And for the wishes I'm not able to say with a photo...

I wish for a more fruitful life,

days that are less monotonous,

protection from harm and bad vibes,

better compensation,

direction and stability in my career,

lessons on make up artistry,

more hosting gigs,

stronger relationship with God,

opportunities to be more patient, loving and wise,

time for experiencing new things, meeting new people, going to places I've never been to and seeing things I dream of,

more years of stronger, more passionate and more loving relationship with Alex,

faith,

hope

and pixie dust.

Haha!

Cheers to turning 25!

DANCING IN SEPTEMBER.

2011-09-01T03:59:00.000-07:00

So I've been a bit busy lately. Mainly because of work. It's really hard being assigned in Makati, knowing that I can be assigned in Sucat or Alabang. I feel tired everyday because of the commute. And the transactions I handle are not helping any. To be fair, I've been slowly adjusting to my colleagues in Makati. They have been kind but the relationship is not personal. We don't talk much about our personal lives, everything is purely work-related. I guess that's how it's always gonna be--and that's fine by me. Lately it's just been going to work then going straight home. And when I get home I don't feel like moving. I just lie there til I fall asleep. That's how tired I get.

On a happier note though, I've also been busy planning my good friend Kat's Baby Shower and preparing for a hosting gig for a debut. Yay to that! This Saturday will be the 18th birthday party--I'm so excited and so nervous at the same time! I've been trying to put together my script and I must admit that it's not very easy. Ah, I remember all the scripts I wrote back in college too! Though none of those were for a debut or events similar to that. I'm still trying to decide what kind of emcee I'll be. I want to make it fun without going overboard or making it look like a stand up comedy, especially since the event will be a bit formal. I just don't want to be stiff, if you know what I mean. Pressure! Syempre I'll be the one to set the mood. Jeez, I hope I'll do just fine. But oh, I don't have anything to wear yet! And I don't know how to do my hair or my make up! Pero hindi naman ako ang celebrant so most definitely I'd go simple lang.

Next Saturday, September 10, it's going to be the baby shower! Ako nanaman ang ringleader, like always. But it's so fun planning everything! I'm excited about the games and the decorations and the prizes. And I'll be cooking carbonara too! I hope everything goes according to plan. I'm not gonna say what the other details are para surprise pa din kahit papaano.

It's September 1 today!!! So many things to be happy about this month! I'm turning 25 and Alex and I are turning 5! So exciting!

Good vibes all the way!

SECRET IDOL.

2011-08-17T01:07:00.000-07:00

So I've been reading my secret idol's blog entries from about 7 years ago. It's amazing how she was able to keep it updated for the last 7 or 8 years. What's really nice about it is that you can really see how much she's changed and matured over the years, even her style of writing changed a bit. I wonder, I know this is a long shot but if I ever get to meet her and talk to her, feeling ko I'd learn so much from her. At feeling ko magiging contest ng padaldalan yun. Ang saya diba? And nakakatuwa coz I found out we have some things in common like she also loves plucking her eyebrows (I dunno if she still does that now, maybe someone plucks them for her) and.. and... that's all I remember. Haha! Basta I realized I see some of myself in her. Some lang naman.

In a way I kinda envy her coz even if she also went through that stage of not knowing what you really want to be or what you really want to do, she still ended up going after her dreams. At napaka-amazing nun para sa isang taong katulad ko na hindi alam kung ano talaga ang gusto. I know for sure I don't want to stay in this industry but then I'm having a hard time deciding kasi nga I don't know what I really want to do. What am I passionate about? What do I find most fulfilling? What are my strengths? Where do I see myself succeeding? It's so hard, feeling ko puro kaartehan lang kasi ang naiisip ko kaya ganun.

Sino'ng hindi dumaan sa "quarter life crisis"? Galing galing naman.

Oh, you probably noticed my style of writing kind of changed, naging taglish masyado. Pardon me, nagpapaka-secret idol mode ako. Just for today.

THE BEST THING...

2011-07-30T18:39:00.000-07:00

ABOUT HAVING A GIRLFRIEND...

IS YOU CAN BE MAARTE TOGETHER :)

WHERE THE HEART IS.

2011-07-27T01:51:00.000-07:00

What is a home? Is it a place or a feeling?

How long before you feel "at home" with a place or a person?

The dictionary defines home in various ways; whether it is used as a noun, as an adjective or as a verb, it is commonly pertained to as a place, as an object if you may.

What does it mean to be home? How do you know if you're home?

For me, home is a feeling.

In a person's lifetime, one can feel at home with many different people and in many different places. Perhaps that's why there's this thing we call "comfort zone". And if one is taken away from their comfort zones, they experience a great deal of unease and uncertainty. Put them in an unfamiliar place and you get someone who is lost and probably scared. Probably.

I'd like to think that I'm the kind of person who can easily adjust and adapt. I normally find it easy to make friends or acquaintances at least. Perhaps it is because I am very open and VERY talkative. This doesn't mean though, that I easily let just anyone in. To put it simply, home is not everywhere for me.

My job (or my boss, I think) requires me to move around a bit. I guess it is inevitable, given that the company I'm working with is in its early beginnings. Since I've started, I've been moved twice to different locations. First from Makati to Sucat then from Sucat to Alabang. Fast forward. I'm moving for the 3rd time. And this time, I'm doing it with a heavy heart.

Not to be too emotional or anything but really, this is the hardest move I've ever had to make. I was in Sucat for the longest time and that is really where I felt the most at home, with the place and more importantly, with the people. They became my work family. When I moved to Alabang, I was a bit hesitant and it took me a while to adjust. I kept waiting to feel at home with the place... and I'm still waiting. Yesterday, I had a chance to let it sink in that I really was about to leave... then it hit me. The people in Alabang, my friends, they're what I can call home.

I admit, it has not been easy for me to get to know each of them but when I finally did, it was such a blessing.

Macee--She was always fun to be around. With her I can talk about the most mundane topics and yet still find something in it to laugh about. The sound of her laugh is priceless. She is one of the most real people I have ever known.

JC--He has always been reserved that's why every time he has something to say, I take the time to really listen. Super intelligent in his own way at funny even when he doesn't mean to crack a joke. JC, I will never forget the day I discussed the RH bill and Divorce with you. Winner ka!

Chase--What can I say? Napaka-sweet! Seriously! I will miss his swabe hirits and fleeting hugs. And his very malambing voice.

Ira--How do I even begin to describe who she is to me? She's everyone's shock absorber but she'll always be my "arte buddy". I have never met anyone so arte and so cute while doing it! I super enjoy her company and even if she argues, she is like an Ate to me.

They're the group of the most amazing people I've ever worked with. Along with my Sucat family, of course. Paano ka naman hindi malulungkot na mahihiwalay ka sa kanila? I am sure I will still see them from time to time (hindi pwedeng hinde!) so for now I will just say,

See you around.

I will miss you everyday.

Meet Ira, Macee, Chase and JC :)

THOUGHTS ON A RAINY DAY.

2011-07-26T02:33:00.000-07:00

We're no longer allowed to access FB and stream videos here at work (BOO!), it's the only thing I ever look forward to everyday and now it's taken away from us :(

Given this unfortunate incident (yes, unfortunate talaga!) I looked for an alternative so I'd be less bored while I sit here watching the rain. Luckily, I came across Bianca Gonzales' blog site www.iamsuperbianca.com and surprisingly I enjoyed reading her posts. She seems very intelligent with the way she writes and narrates her day-to-day experiences, her photos are interesting plus, her outreach activities are very inspiring. While browsing through her site, I remembered I had my own! I've always attempted to keep my own blog site updated but I've always failed at it. Probably because I am seldom inspired by my daily activities. Which is a sad thing, really. I realized, maybe I need to do something to make my days more interesting. The hard part is figuring out what it is I need to do.

Look for a new job maybe? Take up a new hobby? Read more books? Learn something new?

Let's see what I can come up with. Perhaps I can now keep this blog site updated.

KEEPING MYSELF SANE.

2011-01-25T22:33:00.000-08:00

work + good book + chocolate = easy wednesday afternoon =)

QUESTION.

2010-11-19T04:20:00.001-08:00

Where do you see yourself 5 years from now?

Hopefully, not here.

THINK.

2010-10-25T22:11:00.001-07:00

Have you been paying attention?

FINGERS. PALMS. HANDS.

2010-10-24T01:45:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, I saw two boys with no hands.

I was on my way to work, on my usual morning commute when I chanced upon this boy, about 16 or 17 years old, who was on his way to school. I assumed so because he was carrying a small College Algebra book. Along with the book was a small coin purse. I was so amazed at how easily he opened its zipper, got the money and paid for his fare. I then wondered how he got dressed for school that morning, how he tied the laces on his shoe... Did someone help him? What about when he sits in his class? How will he jot down notes?

We were on this jeepney ride for about 15 minutes and we sat in front of each other... I couldn't help staring at him not because I pitied him and not because I found him odd. It was because I admired him. He had this carefree look on his face and I can tell he was used to people eyeing him... but still, he had this small, almost secret smile on his lips.

He got off the jeepney before I did.

I thought he wasn't to cross my mind again until I saw another boy, younger than the first, with no hands. I was waiting at the bus stop when he and his mother passed by me. I saw him smiling up at his mother.

And then I wondered, "Two boys with no hands in a day... God, are you trying to tell me something?"

I thought of all the things I wouldn't be able to do if I had no hands...

I wouldn't be able to write, something I consider a vital part of who I am.
I wouldn't be able to cook or bake, something my Mom does that I admire and I want to be good at too.
I wouldn't be able to hold hands with my friends or loved ones, something I always do.
I wouldn't be able to hold a book, one of the many joys I find in reading.
I wouldn't be able to touch, one thing I do when words fail me.
I wouldn't be able to give high fives to my colleagues when we do something brilliant, to my friends when we laugh at something, to my nephew when he does something great.
I wouldn't be able to put on make up or fix my hair, the one thing I do to make myself feel better when I feel that nothing is going right.
I wouldn't be able to give myself pedicures, one of my guilty pleasures.
I wouldn't be able to type a text to my friends or this blog for that matter.
I wouldn't be able to wash and iron clothes or fix my things.

There's so much more I can say that I would not be able to do if I had no hands but most of them for myself... did you notice? It's true, God might have been telling me to be grateful that I am complete... and I am. But I also realized that maybe, God is telling me to make my hands more useful by extending it to others who need my help. There are a lot of things people who don't have hands can do because they have the will to do it. Think of how much more people like us can do if we only try.

To the two wonderful boys who inspired me to write this blog, I wish you well. I hope the world will be kind to both of you and that you won't let your disability get in the way of reaching your dreams. I hope you'll continue to inspire strangers like me. I send my love to the wind and hope that when it reaches you, you'll smile.

SEEING RED.

2010-10-23T02:07:00.000-07:00

Do you still remember the first time you fell in love?
Do you still remember that first smile you shared, that first time you locked eyes with each other?
Do you still remember the rush you felt the first time you held hands?

Lately, I've been thinking about these feelings.. what most people would probably describe as feelings that you felt back when you were in high school, when you were a bit more naive than you realize, when everything was sunshine and rainbow, when you didn't know yet what being heartbroken really meant. Admit it, you were once like that too. I know I was.

As a young girl, I was a sucker for anything romantic. I loved watching movies that make me giggle and blush. I loved watching couples as they gazed into each other's eyes, as if everything else around them suddenly slipped away and all that mattered was that moment. Oh yes, I believed and hoped that one day I, too, will have a moment of my own.

True enough, I had them. "Them" being the operative word, I assume you realize that I've had a fair share of these moments... and with different people. Each one was special in it's own way and the intensity of the feelings were different on so many levels as well but there are a few that really stand out. It still makes me smile every time I remember them. These moments and the people I shared them with will, cliche as this may sound, always be treasured.

But I'm no longer that young girl... I'm 24 and not living in a dream world anymore. Here, it isn't always sunshine and rainbow. Here, tears are more real, affairs happen, love may not be reciprocated, trust is broken and lies are told. See, these are the things that sometimes make people stop believing in love. But me, I've been through hell and back but still, I believe in those magical moments.

It's true that you might not always get a rush everytime you see that one person... you might not feel so giggly each time that someone tells you how beautiful you are... you might not always remember how it feels like everytime you hold hands or look each other in the eye... you might argue once in a while and ignore each other... but I guess what really counts are those moments when you do feel your heart flutter at just the most fleeting touch of that person's hand... those moments when you're simply left breathless by those sweet, unexpected kisses... those moments when you catch the corner of your lips lifting up into a familiar smile that turns into a giggle just because you see that one person. They don't happen all the time, every single day... but they do happen.

And when it does, hold on to it.

WEAKNESS.

2010-09-15T00:42:00.000-07:00

my top guilty pleasure.

...to make up for every shitty thing that happened in the past few days.

BAD.

2010-09-11T19:29:00.001-07:00

You've managed to ruin my morning again -- Jollibee Santana Grove. Tsktsk.

LAZYBONE.

2010-09-06T04:56:00.000-07:00

I literally dragged myself to work this morning and so I was 30 minutes late. But what the hell. I'm almost always late anyway.

I don't know how long I can still hold up. Heck, it's only been 9 months and yet it feels like I've been doing this forever. I don't know what my reasons are anymore... except of course to earn money. And that's it.

I'm hoping the week would go faster. I CAN'T wait for September 17.

FOR MY 24TH.

2010-09-02T04:41:00.000-07:00

Beach Outing with friends. Considered done.

A call/message/video from my special guy.

You'll never go wrong with chocolates when it comes to me.

A day of pampering.

Guess where this is :)

Time.

Strawberries and champagne and... :)

*sighs*

long necklaces

always.

for the Antioch Community.

...it's been so long.

silence.

HURRAY!

2010-09-01T23:50:00.000-07:00

And just like that, I've decided to blog again. Follow me? :)

HATE.

2010-04-11T23:56:00.000-07:00

I hate Monday. Normally, I don't really hate it but today I HATE MONDAY.

ANOTHER DAY.

2010-02-09T22:20:00.000-08:00

And so goes my 2nd day here at Petron Treats in Sucat.

I have 3 more days to endure this boredom. But I guess it's worth it seeing as I'm not as tired from the travel when I get home.

Oh well. Life has its ups and downs.

BEING HONEST.

2010-02-08T23:37:00.000-08:00

It has been over 2 months since that fateful night... so much has changed since then and yet, there are also a lot of things that remained the same.

And now in my solitude, as I try to look in the deepest recesses of my heart I feel it so powerfully like it happened only yesterday... the pain is still here and I'm afraid it's here to stay. I have lost myself so many times in different situations and finding my way back has always been with the help of the people who are closest to me. But now, I know I have to do this on my own.

I am not happy with where I am right now, of that I'm sure. I hate having to bring up the subject everytime I'm with Alex. I hate having to look at her and thinking that I haven't forgiven her and that she doesn't feel the need to be forgiven. I hate having to spoil an almost perfect day because of anger and resentment resurfacing. I hate not being able to agree with her on anything anymore. I hate feeling so irritated when I look at her sometimes, not knowing that it's all coming from the almost unbearable pain that she caused me. I hate having to be in this situation when I've always thought better of us.

I look back on the things that happened since then and sometimes, I wonder if I've made smart decisions. Maybe I should've just walked away when I had the chance. Maybe I should've been stronger and more firm when I said I wanted time away from each other. Maybe I should've learned how to love myself a little more (because I honestly still don't know how to do that.) Maybe I should've shown her that I can move on and live a life without her. Maybe I should've forgotten how we promised each other that breaking up should never be an option. Maybe I should've done what she would have done if the tables were turned. But I guess I wasn't as strong as I appear to be.

Everything she is, everything about her is my greatest weakness.

I love her with all my heart... everybody knows that. Our relationship is one of the most important things in my life right now. And that's why I hate to think about what would happen if we go on like this. Everyday that we are together is one step closer to a bad relationship that we made ourselves. And that's the last thing I would want to happen. I know what I need to do but I also know that I don't want to do it. I know that the time would come when I will stop being scared but I hope that by that time, it won't be too late. I only want to save what's left of us and hopefully try to make it grow again... and go back to the way things were. It's a long shot but I know it will be worth the risk.

RANDOM.

2010-01-20T05:26:00.000-08:00

I had one big reason to walk away

...

yet you give me more reasons to stay anyway.

:)

01.07.10

2010-01-07T17:41:00.000-08:00

My 2010 begins today.

I start work on Monday...

and I'm starting over with Alex.

Happy thoughts. Good vibes.
Come here, new year... Let's hug.

DEFLATED.

2010-01-04T00:09:00.000-08:00

Nothing is going right.
Everything I do just backfires on me.
It's like somebody out there just doesn't want me to happy,
to have things go my way.
Maybe I just had my way for so long now that I should go through something like this.
Everything just seems so unreal.
I feel like such a bad person to deserve something like this.
I have nothing to hold on to anymore.
Someone messed me up.
I messed someone up.
And I just feel so stupid.

EMPTY.

2010-01-03T03:17:00.000-08:00

I just want to get away. Far, far away from here... where I can't hurt anyone. Everything is just so messed up. I am so exhausted and so emotionally drained. I don't know what's keeping me sane anymore.

My heart is just too stubborn. I never know when to stop, when to say that is enough is enough. I do not know what's good for me anymore. I don't know what I want.

I wish there was an easy way out of this... but I know that I have to be brave and strong enough to face everything. And just trust that one day, everything will be alright... that things will fall into place.

I will be happy again... someday, somehow.

2010.

2009-12-31T09:27:00.000-08:00

Everybody's saying we should all leave 2009 behind and start 2010 with a clean slate and all that stuff... but there are some things you can't leave behind just like that.

Because if things were that easy, I would've been one of the happiest people who welcomes 2010 with open arms.

Unfortunately, Im not.

Well, 2010... bring it on.

FOR CHRISTMAS...

2009-12-21T18:38:00.000-08:00

"I'm sorry for the things that I've done to you.
For being the way I was.
I love you.
I never meant to hurt you."

...this is on top of my wish list.

HAPPINESS EQUALS...

2009-12-17T05:00:00.000-08:00

- books. old and new. the smell and feel of them.
- sticky notes in different colors, shapes and sizes.
- a cup of hot coffee on a cold day/night.
- solving puzzles.
- winning in scrabble.
- TV series/movie marathons.
- strawberries + nutella.
- flowers.
- fresh sheets.
- tight hugs and unexpected, breathtaking kisses.
- songs from the spice girls.
- tinkerbell.
- my gel pen in 0.4, black.
- well-groomed nails.
- ironed clothes.
- touching Alex' face.
- elizabeth arden's green tea.
- calgon's in the rain.
- rainbows.
- comments on my posts/blogs.
- photos.
- scented candles and oils.
- holding Alex' hand.
- shoes, slippers.
- singing on the videoke.
- hosting events.
- appreciation of what i do/did.
- good ukay finds.
- the feel of sand between my toes.
- corny jokes.
- good conversations.
- a good night's sleep.
- afternoon sunshine.
- swimming.
- a clean and tidy house.
- siomai.
- gummy candies.
- java chip frap. dark cherry mocha frap/hot. caramel macchiato. iced white chocolate mocha.
- chocolate eclairs.
- chocolates.
- lazy sunday.
- straight hair. bangs.
- seeing people surprised.
- telling jokes and getting people to laugh.
- "pogi" look
- sunday night coffee sessions.
- Alex.
- antioch weekend/renewal/prayer meeting sharings.
- sunny day + cold wind.
- learning new dance steps.
- dancing.
- singing off-key.
- writing blogs.

It doesn't take much to make me happy.
I am a happy person. I am a happy person. I am a happy person. I am a happy person. I am a happy person. I am a happy person. I am a happy person. I am a happy person. I AM A HAPPY PERSON.

DAY 1.

2009-12-15T04:16:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was bittersweet. We spent the day like we haven't for the longest time. It was too easy to let everything slip away when she's around.

I slept so soundly in her arms... but inevitably, morning came and with it, the beginning of an end.

I wish there was someway we can skip this part and move on. But I know we have to go through this if we really want to be better for each other. I thought I was okay about this, that somehow this is just a phase and I'm trusting that we'll be back together. But each moment is close to being unbearable because I know that deep down I just want to move on, forget about everything and be with her. But how can I when every time I am alone I remember things so vividly and I feel my heart breaking each time?

I know I need to give myself some time to heal and think things through. I need to hate what she did a little more... then maybe in time, I can finally look at her and just fall in love again, nothing less.

What hurts more is how much I want to give her a chance and yet my friends just can't... at least not yet. I may feel that it's a bit unfair but then I cannot dictate how they'd react and feel. Maybe, just maybe... in time.

I miss you every moment we're apart, Alex.

2009 HIGHS AND LOWS.

2009-12-14T21:03:00.000-08:00

A look back at my 2009 (so far)...

- My brother got married. (high)

- Co-hosted the 3rd Hildegard Awards and PJ 09's Obra Kulasa. (high high)

- Went to Romblon with Ms. Prime and PJ girls for our Feature and Technical Writing Class. (high high)

- Graduated from college. (high high high)
- Labor Day outing at Sabangan Beach Resort in Laiya. (high)
- Went to the Manila Ocean Park for the first time. (high)

- Received papers for US migration. (high/low)
- ALMOST migrated to the US/Got my VISA denied. (low/high)

- Celebrated our 3rd anniversary. (high high high)
- Got new glasses. (high)
- Learned how to drive. (high)
- Became a victim of Ondoy. (low low)

- Moved to a new house twice. (low low low)

- "Worked" as an assistant to a wedding coordinator for about a week. (high/low)

- Had a big fight/falling out with an ex. (high)

- Had a night out with high school friends. Got drunk. (high)

- Completed my Cecelia Ahern collection. (high high)
- Had 2 job interviews, no job offers. (low)
- Tried my hand at professional blogging. Submitted a total of 1 article. Quit. (low)
- Mom and Dad migrated to the US. (high/low)
- Had my heart broken big time. (low low low low)
- Alex and I broke up. (lowest)

GAME ON.

2009-12-11T19:27:00.000-08:00

It's time I face the truth. This is something I need to do for myself, for us. I am risking what you so easily risked. This may be temporary or this may be permanent, we wouldn't know. But in the long run, I trust that it will be for the best. If we rise above this then the last 3 years wouldn't go down the drain.

I'm hoping we will. I still believe you're worth it. We are worth it.

REALITY BITES.

2009-12-11T08:45:00.000-08:00

Maybe that's why I didn't want to tell them in the first place... because I knew they'd talk sense into me, that they'd say things I didn't want to hear, that I'd realize they are right, that they'd say my thoughts aloud... that I'd realize they know me better than I know myself.

But maybe this is precisely what I need. And now the next step is mine to take.

Question is, how brave am I to make that first big step?

IDENTITY THEFT.

2009-11-04T17:44:00.000-08:00

It's been years since she borrowed-no, took-my nickname and used it as her own. As if using it would automatically transform her into the person that she's not, into the person she tries so hard to be (i.e. ME). I have chosen to ignore it all these years but as I was browsing through the updates on Facebook just now, I saw some of her updates and seeing MY name with her surname and profile picture (that darned profile picture) just made me snap.

The Merriam-Webster Online Dictionary defines NAME as a word or phrase that constitutes the distinctive designation of a person or thing. If so, what is this person's (or thing's) "distinctive designation" exactly? What is distinctive about a person if she tries to be someone she's not? Surely, nothing genuine. And what is it about me that she feels the need to go through the motions of taking something that's not her own? She even went as far as getting into the same college where I graduated from. And her boyfriend's name is Alex, too... I wonder if she did that on purpose. The worst thing is, everybody in the family knows what she's doing... and she is part of the family. Hindi na nahiya.

I guess she's just someone who will never be able to discover who she really is... or perhaps she doesn't want to seeing as I'm here anyway, so she'll just be whatever I am or will be.

I pity her.

FOR ALEX.

2009-10-16T04:29:00.000-07:00

Everytime I look at you the world just melts away
All my troubles, all my fears dissolve in your affection
You see me at my weakest yet you take me as I am
When I fall you offer me a softer place to land

You stay the course, you hold the line, you keep it all together
You're the one true thing I know I can believe in.
You're all the things that I desire, you save me, you complete me.
You're the one true thing I know I can believe in.

I get mad so easy but you give me room to breathe
No matter what I say or do 'coz you're too good to fight about it
Even when I have to push just to see how far you'll go
You won't stoop down to battle but you never turn to go.

You stay the course, you hold the line, you keep it all together
You're the one true thing I know I can believe in.
You're all the things that I desire, you save me, you complete me.
You're the one true thing I know I can believe in.

You're love is just the antidote when nothing else will cure me
There are times I can't decide when I can't tell up from down
You make me feel less crazy when otherwise I'd drown
But you pick me up and brush me off and tell me I'm okay
Sometimes that's just what we need to get us through the day.

... from end to end, love.

LOSER?

2009-10-13T23:44:00.000-07:00

I am 23 and unemployed. I graduated from college 7 months ago. I've been living on my own for almost 3 years. I used to live with my partner in a nice apartment but we were forced to move out 'coz of the flood (Yes, it's still flooded). I am currently crashing in my family's home for almost 3 weeks now and I would very much like to get my life back again, to start all over in a new apartment which I am happy we found but not THAT happy about the whole place. It needs major cleaning and brightening up, too. I've been sitting in front of my laptop for hours now watching Gilmore Girls, playing Plock or Pet Society and browsing through Facebook alternately. And as I do everyday, I think about what I want to do with my life.

There are a lot of things I can say I want to do and I suppose there's plenty of time for it since I am still young but then, it is getting started that's taking so long and proving to be so tough. It's always the beginning that's the hardest. I want to be a part of the world of employment, I really do... I just can't figure out what exactly it is I want to do. I mean, I know I want to write, get my creative juices flowing and all but getting a decent work is so hard to come by these days. I've been sending applications online but one only ever responded and it wasn't exactly the best. I am starting to wonder how much of a loser I am (or at least my resume) for not getting offers or at least interviews. But then maybe I'm also not trying very hard. Then I also think that maybe, the position I've been applying for is just not for me. I get so confused and discouraged sometimes that I stop altogether. Then I have a hard time bouncing back and trying again. I just don't know what to do.

Somehow, I thought things were going to be a bit easier once I graduate but obviously it just got harder. I guess it's just reality... or maybe I could blame the steady decline of the economy for my being unemployed until now. Sometimes I just wish I got a VISA so that I'd have an excuse for not having a job.

This sucks big time.

HOUSE HUNTING

2009-10-06T08:05:00.000-07:00

And so it begins.

This is the fifth time that Alex and I have done this and it never gets any easier. It's so difficult to look for a decent place to rent these days, one that you can actually call a "home" and is priced within your budget. It's all the more difficult now because there are a lot of people who, like us, have fallen victims to Ondoy's wrath and are house hunting, too. As expected, rent is more expensive these days. Some people really know how to take advantage of other people's misery. I could only sigh in exasperation... there are so many things we need to take care of, to consider, to pay for. It makes me tired just to think about it.

If you do not happen to have any experience in looking for a house, let me give you a few tips on what to look for or ask about in a potential home based from my own experience...

1. Accessibility. It should not be so far from your workplace/school or at least it should be easy enough for you to get a ride to work/school from where you live.

2. Location. It would be an advantage if there is a sari-sari store, drugstore, convenience store, hospital and market near the place.

3. Check the neighborhood and your neighbors. I'm sure you wouldn't want to live next to someone who plays loud music all day long... or in a neighborhood where theft is a natural thing.

4. Plumbing, electricity, cable TV, internet accessibility and network signal.

5. Clothesline and laundry area. While you're at it, ask whether the sun shines in that area, too.

6. Ask why the previous tenant (if there was) left. Heaven knows what happened in that place before you got to it.

7. Check for drips (sink, roof, etc.) and drainage.

8. Ask whether the place gets flooded and check if there are any bodies of water nearby. I learned this last and learned it the hard way.

So far, those are the basic things I look out for when in search of a new home. Keep in mind that these guidelines are subject to change depending on your needs and demands. As for me, I need to figure out where I am going to look at next... it's another long and tedious journey.

...HOME?

2009-10-05T08:50:00.000-07:00

How is it possible to feel so out of place in the home I grew up in, with the family I will always belong to?

I guess it's just me... I've grown so used to the independent life I've been living for almost 3 years now that my stay here is proving to be difficult for me, in some ways. Don't get me wrong though. I love spending time here and I am well taken care of... but at the end of the day, I just feel a little sad. Straying from my comfort zone is not the best thing and I am hoping that things will start to become normal again soon.

I can feel an avalanche of CHANGE coming again. It seems as though everything is changing around me and yet I'm still in the same place I've always been. And I feel I've written these words before. That's how stagnant I have become.

What's next, only God knows. But I am hoping my future begins soon. Until then, I'll be enjoying the present.

STILL BLESSED

2009-10-04T06:13:00.000-07:00

It's been a week since typhoon Ondoy came uninvited to us and still, so many people are suffering from its disturbance. And now, I am feeling the chill of typhoon Pepeng... I just hope and pray that it's not half as bad as what last week's typhoon brought us.

It's been almost a week since we've decided to evacuate our place because of the flood. Last time we went there, the water somewhat subsided... but I've just received news that it's up again. I hope it doesn't get worse than that. With the way things are going, I'm guessing we'll be moving yet again. Oh, here come the expenses and hassle once more.

On a lighter note, today is Kathy's birthday! And last night, instead of our usual weekend coffee we decided to stay over at her place to welcome her day... instant UBE! We had so much fun... it was one hell of a food trip. Busog sa tyan, busog sa kwento at mas busog sa tawa! Almost everyone was there... only Alex wasn't. 'Twas sad... but then, maybe she'll be there next week for Ate Valine's birthday. It still makes me smile, thinking about what a great time we had last night.

And today, I spent the day with Alex. I am overflowing with happiness. I fell for the millionth time today. You know how you look at someone and suddenly it's like you're looking at that person with brand new eyes and you just can't help falling in love again.I just feel so lucky to be able to feel this way. So smitten.

I am hoping and looking forward to another great week. Let's pray there will be no more disasters...

INDIFFERENT

2009-09-29T22:25:00.000-07:00

So that's it.

What's next?

STRIKE.

2009-09-29T09:39:00.000-07:00

Disaster strikes again. And this time it strikes really hard. How devastating, how heartbreaking... typhoon Ondoy hit us so bad.

I was always just an outsider... an onlooker. I only ever see the aftermath of a storm in the news... the flood, the people crammed in evacuation centers, cars getting stuck, children playing in the flood water... all those were just seen on TV. I watched the news earlier today here in the comforts of my parent's home and saw the same thing... each picture more devastating than the next. My heart went out to all the victims.

Then... I saw our own barangay featured on the news, too. The exact street that I walk on on the way home... except now, I can't see the road. Our neighborhood is flooded and so is our home. It's not half as bad as what the other families are going through but we are directly affected, too. I am no longer an outsider or an onlooker.

I am sad and worried because my dog, Duke, is there... left to the care of our neighbors. And our neighbors, our kind neighbors, are stuck there too.

With a threat of another storm coming in, I made a plan to go back there and bring some food and water to them and to get some of our things too, just in case. I'd want to bring my dog along too but I don't know how and where to take him. I will also need help but I don't know yet where to get it. I can only pray that God will spare all of us further grief... we have all been through so much already. I don't know how much more we can take. Please, dear Lord, help us...

deliberate?

2009-09-29T09:33:00.000-07:00

It's like

you

p l u c k e d

me

out of your

tree.

It hurts.

SURRENDER

2009-09-24T07:01:00.000-07:00

I do not know what to do or where to go from here,
I do not know what I am waiting for or praying for anymore.
I only know that I trust you, Lord, and that you know what's best for me.
Take me where I am meant to go,
where I will grow and be the person I am meant to become.
Help me to embrace the uncertainties, dear God, and keep my faith.
In my heart I know, I will find myself one day
in a place that You have prepared for me.

"Don't worry you will find the answer if you let it go
Give yourself some time to falter
But don't forgo know that you're loved no matter what
And everything will come around in time..."

ORIGINALITY... OVERRATED?

2009-09-23T05:26:00.000-07:00

I am once again caught up in watching a TV series. Last night, I continued with my Gilmore Girls Season 2 marathon... I only stopped when my eyes and head started to hurt. I slept at around 4 in the morning and woke up at 12 noon. Been that way for 2 days now. Haha.

It's amazing how easily we can get caught up in watching things like these... how easily they can turn into an addiction. I remember the first "series" I religiously watched when I was younger... it was Marimar. Yes, the original version that stars Thalia. I started to watch it because my playmates then promptly stopped our play times at 6 in the evening because they wanted to catch their favorite soap opera. So I decided to check it out for myself to see what's taking away a few more minutes of my play time. And so I got hooked... along with my family. We only had one TV, you see... so they really had no choice but to watch it with me. After that came Maria la del Barrio, Rosalinda, Ruby and what not. After the boom of Mexican telenovelas Koreanovelas. Jumpstarting it was the ever famous Meteor Garden. I got hooked on that, too... along with millions of Filipinos. Looking back on it now makes me realize how much of a sucker I was. I also got hooked on the original version of My Girl. I keep saying "the original version" because nowadays, it seems that all the networks ever seem to do is make an adaptation of old koreanovelas and other telenovelas. I mean, what's the big idea? Or do they even have ideas anymore? Because it certainly seems like they don't. What amazes me more is how the viewers easily get hooked on the bait even if they already know how the story would play out. Minsan nga hindi na makatotohanan at talagang pinapahaba na lang kasi maraming nanonood. I'm just wondering where the writers are with brilliant and creative minds. I am a Mass Communication graduate in a well-established institution and we were not educated to follow the trend or to do something that's already been done. We were taught to think out of the box and come up with ideas that are purely our own. I just hope the time will come again when we will see authentic stories on primetime television again.

Until then, I will be watching my much preffered TV series on DVD while others watch the nth remake of Darna. Who knows, maybe the time will come when she won't have to swallow a stone anymore.

THANK YOU

2009-09-22T07:52:00.000-07:00

"In my day, something just was. None of this analysis a hundred times over. None of these college courses with people graduating with degrees in Whys and Hows and Becauses. Sometimes, love, you just need to forget all those words and enroll in a little lesson called, "Thank You"."

23rd year begins

2009-09-21T00:31:00.000-07:00

I am spending the first day of my 23rd year at home doing practically nothing. It's a holiday, by the way. I am still overflowing with joy as I think about how I spent my birthday... I didn't expect it to be how it turned out though the celebration was simple.

I went to my family's house to have lunch then we went to the mall. We strolled around a bit then had dinner. I was so pleased because I saw some friends too, I haven't them seen in a while. I'm glad that I was able to spend time with my whole family because we rarely do so these days. Ang saya talaga :)

Afterwards, my friends (the bestest!) picked me up and we went out for coffee. It's a weekend habit, really, but it was fun all the same. I had such a great time especially because my partner was making a fool out of herself and making us laugh to tears. Such good times.

Ang saya saya ko talaga :) It was a birthday well spent.

Oh well. It's another year for me. I wonder what's in store. I am quite excited :)